A cover song can be so bad that it’s good. All I really ask is that the artist recording the song make it his or her own. Songs that are intentionally/ironically bad can have a certain appeal (I’m talkin’ to you, Richard Cheese), but the best ones are always the ones that are unintentionally bad. The audio equivalent of “Plan Nine From Outer Space.”
Gene Simmons “When You Wish Upon A Star” (Judy Garland)
During my childhood the members of KISS each put out a solo album. Each record came with a poster and if you bought all four records you could put the individual posters together to create one huge bitchin’ KISS poster. I only ever bought the Gene Simmons album, and then only because I got it for half a buck in the cutout bin. Sadly it didn’t come with the poster.
What I’ve always wondered is, who told Mr. Simmons that this was a good idea? Who told him that he could sing in that key? Or in any key for the entire length of a song? It’s like he’s in a steel cage, wrestling with the high notes and getting his butt kicked.
Mrs. Miller “Downtown” (Petula Clark)
Mrs. Miller was actually a popular recording artist in the early sixties, putting out several albums and making the rounds of the TV talk shows. As far as I can tell she was not in on the joke. She thought she was a great singer. But her producers were in on the joke and apparently encouraged her to push herself to extremes, as it were. She used to suck on an ice cube before she sang so she could produce a good tight whistle. You have to admire her dedication to her craft, even if you don’t admire the results.
Anthony Newley “Within You, Without You” (The Beatles)
This comes to us from the 1977 ABC television special “Beatles Forever”. And what a cast! Paul Williams! Mel Tillis! Tony Randall! And how did Ray Charles get roped into it?
Television networks are always trying to attract that prized youth demographic, as are aging over-emotive crooners. The result is a marriage made in some special circle of hell intended for music lovers.
I know it’s tough to declare any song the Worst Beatles Cover Ever. There are so many choices, and you always have the work of William Shatner to contend with. But this has to at least be a serious contender.
Potliquor “Old Man River” (From the 1927 musical “Show Boat”)
Back in the Seventies anybody could get a record contract. Exhibit A is Potliquor, a Southern rock band I stumbled across while working at my college radio station. “Turgid” is the word that always comes to mind when I hear this tune. “Overblown,” and “pretentious” are also acceptable answers.
This is actually an edited version of the song. I cut out about three minutes worth of a dirge-like acapella version of “Dixie” that segues into “Old Man River.” If you had ever heard it you would thank me.
Conjunto 3D “When the Saints Go Marching In” (Louis Armstrong and many others)
If you look around on the Internet you’ll find lots of old lounge/exotica records that have been digitized and made available for download. Don’t judge them all by this.
They’re from Brazil, maybe they’ve spent a little too much time on the beach. They have absolutely no feel for the song they’re performing. It’s like Norwegian fishermen trying to play klezmer music.
Gary Schneider “Green Tambourine” (The Lemon Pipers)
I found this little gem on the Internet so I don’t know if it was ever commercially released or if it was just a vanity project. If anybody has any information on this guy or his album “Just for Fun, Just for Friends” please pass it along. It sure sounds like Mr. Schneider set up his tape recorder next to the Magic Wirlitzer in his living room and went to town.
And he gets his money’s worth out of that thing. He’s got an army of synthesized zombies keeping time. And what’s that button do? Oooh, it makes my voice sound all wierd. Cool!
It’s that sort of bold musical experimentation that has driven all of the great composers and performers. I wonder of Peter Frampton heard this and decided to try that freaky vocal thing on “Do You Feel Like We Do.”