The U.S.A. is a shining beacon of Darwinian capitalist free enterprise, so we don’t have any of that evil surrender-monkey socialized medicine around here. Because of that I’ve been struggling to get a prescription filled for some expensive medication that is very important to my ability to perform the activities of my daily life.

You see, I recently took a day job which brought with it a new health insurance plan. I also changed doctors because my longtime doctor is nowhere near where I live or work and I wanted one more geographically desirable. So I had to jump through a number of bureaucratic hoops just to convince the insurance company to pay for the medication. Then I had to bitch-slap my doctor’s office and my mail-order pharmacy to get them to talk to each other so I could get what I needed. I finally got everything together but it wasn’t without lots of time and aggravation on my part and a week without the medication that I normally take twice a week.

I’m just as mad at my insurance company as I am at my doctor, but you’d be surprised at how few quality cover songs about insurance company bureaucrats there are out there. So for this post I’ll just have to stick to the doctor.

Devo “Witch Doctor” (David Seville)
My doctor is a medical professional, not a witch doctor. Although if she had told me to rub yak butter all over my body I probably could have gotten yak butter more easily than I was able to get prescription medication. Hmmm, maybe I should see if there’s a witch doctor in my insurance company’s list of approved doctors.

Dr. John “I’ll Be Glad When You’re Dead You Rascal You” (Louis Armstrong)
Dr. John isn’t a real doctor and I’m confident that my new doctor won’t be happy when I’m dead. But I also didn’t get a real concerned vibe when I was trying to get my prescription filled. The problem was that my doctor gave me a paper prescription for my medicine. I get this medicine through a mail-order pharmacy. So I thought I could just fax the prescription to them. But the bureaucrats at the pharmacy (citing rules created by bureaucrats in Washington) said that they could only accept a prescription from a pharmacy or a doctor. They gave me the choice of taking it to a pharmacy and having them fax it to the mail order place or having the mail order pharmacy contact my doctor. I decided it would be easier if my pharmacy contacted my doctor directly. Which would have been true if my doctor had bothered to return calls and faxes from the pharmacy.

Fred Schneider “Coconut” (Harry Nilsson)
Another homeopathic remedy enshrined in song. It’s not clear exactly how you’re supposed to combine the lime and the coconut, but it does seem to be good for what ails you. I really should have tried putting the lime in the coconut when I was waiting to get my prescription filled.

Fred Schneider of the B-52s sounds downright demented on this one, which is why I like it.

The Beatlesøns “Dear Doctor” (Rolling Stones)
I give big props to these guys for covering such an obscure Stones song. It’s pretty much the only song you’ll ever hear that asks a doctor to cut out your heart and preserve it in a jar. I don’t think you’d be able to get a doctor to do that, no matter how heartbroken you are. The possibility for a malpractice suit is just too great.

Demented Scum Cats “I Don’t Need No Doctor” (Ray Charles)
I know what’s ailing me, but alas I still need a doctor to prescribe the medication that I need.

I think Demented Scum Cats is one of the greatest band names ever. And this version of the Ray Charles classic sounds just like you’d expect it would if it were played by a band called the Demented Scum Cats.