I was browsing retronaut.co and stumbled across a collection of photos of New York storefronts. I’ve become obsessed with Barney Greengrass the Sturgeon King. More specifically I’ve become obsessed with usurping his throne and assuming the mantle of Sturgeon King for myself. I would be a ruthless but fair monarch and the Sturgeon Kingdom would prosper and grow during my reign. We would finally put an end to the hegemony of the evil Herring Kingdom.

Usurping a throne requires quite a bit of planning and hard work. So I’m starting out with the most important part, creating an appropriate soundtrack. Bring me the head of Barney Greengrass!

The Bamboos “King Of The Rodeo” (Kings Of Leon)
King of the Rodeo would probably be an easier title to assume than Sturgeon King, but I’ve always believed in setting my sights high. I really dig this funky version. Maybe I’ll have the Bamboos play at my coronation ceremony.

Big Fish Ensemble “I Am Woman” (Helen Reddy)
The sturgeon is one of the biggest fish around. It’s not unusual for some species to grow to eighteen feet long. I don’t know if there are any actual fish in this band but that’s okay. The way they have a man singing this song without changing any of the lyrics just floors me.

King Missile “Still The One” (Orleans)
Yes, it’s the “Detachable Penis” folks having their way with the schmaltzy 70s hit. It’s pretty catchy. I particularly like the sound effects.

Haddy N’Jie “Starfish And Coffee” (Prince)
A wonderfully polyrhythmic song. The starfish arguably has more mindshare among the general public than the sturgeon but it is much less interesting. I was shocked to learn that the sturgeon is considered a “royal fish” in England, which means that every sturgeon caught in England is automatically the property of the Queen. Under my leadership sturgeons will determine their own destiny. Actually I’ll determine their destiny, but don’t tell them that until after I’ve consolidated power.

Leisure Kings “Mr. Roboto” (Styx)
Styx have always been fairly popular around Chicago, being a local band and all. I was never a real big fan but I can definitely say that they jumped the shark with this whole “Mr. Roboto” thing. I do like this loungy version. I’ll need trusted advisors, I wonder if these guys would be interested in being royal counsels on all things leisurely. Maybe I could make them Sturgeon Dukes. Personally I think that would be a step up from Leisure King.