Valentine’s Day is upon us once again. I’ve always felt this to be the most vile of the Hallmark Holidays, an exercise in using guilt and the fear of dying alone to sell cards, chocolate, flowers and jewelry. But beyond my cynical sarcastic exterior is a chewy center of warm romantic sentimentality. So here are some songs to help you more fully appreciate the one you love.

Grizzly Bear “He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss)” (The Crystals)
There’s not a lot of tradition involved in what I do at Cover Freak. In fact I like to find songs that are nontraditional in their approach. But one tradition that I hold dear to my heart is posting this song for Valentine’s Day. Carole King and Gerry Goffin wrote it after talking to Little Eva after her boyfriend had slapped her around. She allegedly said that as long as he beat her she knew that he cared.

My understanding was that this song was a protest against spousal abuse gone horribly wrong, but I have since heard that Phil Spector commissioned it as a song with no commercial potential in order to screw his former business partner out of publishing royalties. It makes sense to me since Spector is, by all accounts, a huge dick and this song certainly didn’t sell many copies.

So why do I post this song every year? Partly because it’s so wildly inappropriate. In fact that was my original motivation. Now I do it mostly to annoy Mrs. Freak, who hates this song with a passion hotter than a million suns.

Nick Cave “Knoxville Girl” (Traditional)
I loves me a good murder ballad. Around Valentine’s Day you don’t hear a whole lot of music about the less-romantic aspects of love. Like when you beat your girlfriend with a stick and throw her into the river to drown. Think of this as a public service to help you starry-eyed souls keep your sense of perspective.

Amanda Palmer “Creep” (Radiohead)
Mrs. Freak gives me plenty of grief about my love of murder ballads. But one of her favorite songs is this ballad of self-loathing and unhealthy obsession. Should I be worried?

Mrs. Freak also plays ukulele so this reminds me of many evenings around Casa de Freak as she practices on her uke. But I think Mrs. Freak is a better singer.

The Lounge-O-Leers “I Will Follow You” (Little Peggy March)
If there isn’t a ocean so deep or a mountain so high it will keep him away, a restraining order probably won’t help either.

Union Avenue “Mexican Blackbird” (ZZ Top)
Aside from Charlie Sheen there probably aren’t too many folks who send a Valentine’s Day card to their favorite prostitute. Which is too bad since they give so much to so many.

This is one of my favorite songs. It’s so unabashedly crass. It’s like it was written by the world’s worst Chamber of Commerce. “If you’re bored, we’ve got this great hooker in town that you should check out.” The original version was a blues shuffle but this version gets the full-on Johnny Cash treatment and sounds like an outtake from the Live At San Quentin album.