I was browsing retronaut.co and stumbled across a collection of photos of New York storefronts. I’ve become obsessed with Barney Greengrass the Sturgeon King. More specifically I’ve become obsessed with usurping his throne and assuming the mantle of Sturgeon King for myself. I would be a ruthless but fair monarch and the Sturgeon Kingdom would prosper and grow during my reign. We would finally put an end to the hegemony of the evil Herring Kingdom.

Usurping a throne requires quite a bit of planning and hard work. So I’m starting out with the most important part, creating an appropriate soundtrack. Bring me the head of Barney Greengrass!

The Bamboos “King Of The Rodeo” (Kings Of Leon)
King of the Rodeo would probably be an easier title to assume than Sturgeon King, but I’ve always believed in setting my sights high. I really dig this funky version. Maybe I’ll have the Bamboos play at my coronation ceremony.

Big Fish Ensemble “I Am Woman” (Helen Reddy)
The sturgeon is one of the biggest fish around. It’s not unusual for some species to grow to eighteen feet long. I don’t know if there are any actual fish in this band but that’s okay. The way they have a man singing this song without changing any of the lyrics just floors me.

King Missile “Still The One” (Orleans)
Yes, it’s the “Detachable Penis” folks having their way with the schmaltzy 70s hit. It’s pretty catchy. I particularly like the sound effects.

Haddy N’Jie “Starfish And Coffee” (Prince)
A wonderfully polyrhythmic song. The starfish arguably has more mindshare among the general public than the sturgeon but it is much less interesting. I was shocked to learn that the sturgeon is considered a “royal fish” in England, which means that every sturgeon caught in England is automatically the property of the Queen. Under my leadership sturgeons will determine their own destiny. Actually I’ll determine their destiny, but don’t tell them that until after I’ve consolidated power.

Leisure Kings “Mr. Roboto” (Styx)
Styx have always been fairly popular around Chicago, being a local band and all. I was never a real big fan but I can definitely say that they jumped the shark with this whole “Mr. Roboto” thing. I do like this loungy version. I’ll need trusted advisors, I wonder if these guys would be interested in being royal counsels on all things leisurely. Maybe I could make them Sturgeon Dukes. Personally I think that would be a step up from Leisure King.

I’ve written about the extremely charming Julie previously. Among her many other charms one my favorite things about her was that she lived in Austin. I’ve been trying for years to cultivate friends in that town so I can have a friendly couch to crash on if I ever get down there for South By Southwest. But it seems that whenever I do befriend an Austinite they don’t stay there long enough for me to impose on their hospitality.

Such is again the case as last week Julie quit her job and moved to Marfa to start her excellent adventure. Which is great for her, I wish I could get away with running off to a remote artist colony. That would be a high-quality midlife crisis for sure. But I have responsibilities so once again I need to have my midlife crisis vicariously through others and turn my envy into a Cover Freak post.

Andy Prieboy “On The Road Again” (Canned Heat)
This version of the song leaves out the lyric about being tired of crying, which is for the best since I don’t think that Julie was crying at all when she was on the road to Marfa. I believe that she was quite happy and excited.

Andy Prieboy used to sing for Wall Of Voodoo after Stan Ridgway left the band. I loved that band whoever was singing and I love this hard driving Canned Heat cover.

Giant Sand “El Paso” (Marty Robbins)
A little-known fact about Marfa is that the movie Giant was filmed there. So in tribute to the town’s cinematic heritage here’s Giant Sand with a rambling cover of a song about another West Texas town.

R. Stevie Moore “Cruising For Burgers” (Frank Zappa)
Given the state of the economy, I’m pretty amazed that Julie has a job only a couple of days after moving to Marfa. She’s the cook (among other things) at a roadhouse called Padre’s. So if you’re ever cruising for burgers in Marfa, stop on by and Julie will take care of you.

Don Ho “Shock The Monkey” (Peter Gabriel)
Apparently one of the signature dishes at Padre’s is the Don Ho Burger. It sounds delicious and it also provides an opportunity to unleash one of the weirder covers in my collection. Which is saying a lot.

The Texas Tornados “Volver, Volver” (Vicente Fernandez)
Years ago I was reading a novel that contained an exchange between a Texan and a non-Texan. The Texan was bragging about how big his state was, saying “I can get in my car and drive all day and still be in Texas.” To which the other man replied, “Yeah, I used to have a car like that.” It’s a little over 400 miles from Austin to Marfa, and I am impressed that you can drive that far and never leave the state. Julie’s road trip was such a Texas-centric affair that I had to include a song from one of my favorite Texas bands.

Volver means “return.” It’s the song of a man who feels compelled to return to the woman he left. I hope that Julie eventually feels compelled to return to Austin, but I have a feeling that if she does go back it will just be to visit and she won’t be bringing her couch with her.

On Wednesday we’ll be marking Independence day with barbecue and fireworks. Such activities require an appropriate soundtrack, so here’s some music for my American readers to listen to while reflecting on their amazing good fortune to live here.

Ray Charles “America The Beautiful” (comp. Katharine Lee Bates)
The last time I posted this song I was taken to task by a reader for my alleged “political correctness.” So I want to be very clear that I love my country and I appreciate the opportunities that I have because my grandparents came here. I also appreciate that America has a strong military full of brave men and women willing to sacrifice their lives for the benefit of their country.

Having said that, I still believe that this song would be a much better national anthem than “The Star Spangled Banner.” That song’s melody is incredibly difficult to sing, many Americans can’t remember the words, and it’s about a military victory during the War of 1812. I happen to think that there are many things besides our military might that make this country great and strong, and I think that our national anthem should celebrate everything that we love about our nation. Besides, “America The Beautiful” is much easier to sing and the lyrics are more memorable. They’ll never change the national anthem though. The folks in Washington never listen to me.

The Germs “You’re A Grand Old Flag” (comp. George M. Cohan)
When I think of the Germs, “patriotic” is not the first word that comes to mind. After listening to this song it still isn’t.

Me First And The Gimme Gimmes “Coming To America” (Neil Diamond)
This is one of those songs that every American should listen to every once in awhile. It reminds us of our immigrant origins and the promise of a better life that drew the immigrants here.

David Crosby “My Country ‘Tis Of Thee” (comp. Samuel Francis Smith)
I guess one way to piss off your former colonial master is to steal the melody of their national anthem and rework it as a patriotic ditty for your own country. David Crosby does a very nice job with it.

Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings “This Land Is Your Land” (Woody Guthrie)
This is one of the most unlikely popular patriotic songs that you’ll ever hear. Woody apparently wrote it because he didn’t like “God Bless America” and was sick of hearing Kate Smith sing it on the radio. Woody was a committed socialist, which is why this song included the verse about the sign that said “no trespassing” on one side. The other side “didn’t say nothin” and that was the side that was written for you and me. All in all, it’s about as far away from Kate Smith as you can get.

I was riding my bike the other day and passed by a house that had a lawn service truck parked in front. The side of the truck proclaimed that the company that owned it was “your partner in a lush green lawn.” The only problem was that the lawn was dry and brown like every other lawn in my neck of the woods. Probably not the best advertising for that lawn service. But definitely a good theme for Cover Freak.

Dave Alvin “The Green Green, Grass Of Home” (Porter Wagoner)
The fact that everybody’s lawn is brown is encouraging in a way. It means that people aren’t wasting water in the pursuit of the elusive suburban ideal of replicating an English meadow in front of their houses. But since this song is really about the thoughts of a convict awaiting execution he’s allowed to dream of green grass. Dreaming shriveled brown grass would just be depressing.

Hans Theessink & Terry Evans “Don’t Let The Green Grass Fool You” (Wilson Pickett)
These days you don’t have to worry about being fooled by green grass because there isn’t any. Regardless, I love this percolating acoustic take on the soul classic.

Purple Schulz “Rain” (The Beatles)
We haven’t had much rain this summer and in fact the Chicago area is close to being officially in draught. It’s a little weird because we live on the shore of one of the largest bodies of fresh water on the planet and all the lawns and gardens are shriveling. But we’re probably due for a really violent thunderstorm that will set things right.

Bina Mistry “Hot Hot Hot” (Buster Pointexter)
Not only have we not had much rain it’s been stinkin’ hot around here. Almost as hot as this Bollywood cover of the 80s novelty hit from David Johansen. I’m glad that he found a way to make money since the New York Dolls never did. I just hope he invested wisely.

Shelby Lynne “I Only Want To Be With You” (Dusty Springfield)
A bigger problem than the dead grass is the dust everywhere. It’s getting so you have to close your eyes every time the wind blows.

My niece and her husband are in town. They produce a web comic and their life is a constant whirl of comic conventions, one of which is this weekend in Chicago.Which is why they’re crashing at Casa de Freak. They were describing an epic upcoming international tour that made me want to take up a career as a web comic artist myself.

Gary Schneider “Sweet Georgia Brown” (Ben Bernie)
Most folks are familiar with this song as the theme song of the Harlem Globetrotters. It sounds quite a bit different when it’s played by my pal Gary Schneider on his Magic Whirlitzer. Mr. Schneider is a wonderful, charming man with a great self-effacing sense of humor. Corresponding with him is one of the great joys that has come from doing this blog.

Razorlight “An Englishman In New York” (Sting)
Becky and Frank will be starting out in New York. Frank is not really an Englishman, he’s from New Zealand. But there are surprisingly few songs out there about being a Kiwi in New York.

Julie London “Yummy, Yummy, Yummy” (Ohio Express)
From there it’s across the pond to London for Team TKT. I believe that it will be their first European show. They probably won’t get a chance to meet Julie London while they’re there so they’ll just have to enjoy this loungy cover of the bubblegum hit.

Dolapdere Big Gang “Big In Japan” (Alphaville)
While I was driving my guests to the divine Hot Doug’s for some encased meats my iPod coughed up two consecutive covers of “The Final Countdown.” One of them was by the Big Gang and that made this song an easy choice to honor the Japanese leg of their trip. Besides I just can’t get enough of the Big Gang’s Turkish Gypsy disco covers.

The Rhonda Harris “China Girl” (Iggy Pop/David Bowie)
Their last stop overseas will be in China to talk to the people who will be printing their upcoming book. Given the nature of Chinese society they’ll probably be talking to a China Guy, but I can’t find any covers of that song.