For the last two years at Christmastime I’ve tried to post what I thought were cool and interesting Christmas covers. And those posts have had the lowest number of hits of anything I’ve ever posted. So this year I’m abandoning that approach and just posting the most inappropriate songs I can find. Maybe that will appeal to my readers. Of course if it does I should probably start worrying.
Neko Case “Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis” (Tom Waits)
It’s really a hopeful Christmas card but you just know that her new boyfriend will dump her when she’s eight months pregnant and she’ll end up shooting dope again and giving blowjobs in the alley to pay for it. Her kid will be taken away by DCFS and put in a foster home. But she’s entitled to find hope and happiness wherever she can, even if it’s fleeting.
I was hoping that this song would be on Scarlett Johansson’s Tom Waits tribute album. I really shouldn’t have been disappointed when it wasn’t. It was just too much to hope for.
Wax “Happy Happy Joy Joy” (From the Ren And Stimpy Show)
It’s kind of like “Joy To The World.” They don’t know they’re ugly and that’s very funny. Doesn’t that just sum up the spirit of Christmas, or at least holiday meals with the extended family?
Joya Landis “Angel Of The Morning” (Merrilee Rush)
Okay, so it’s not “Angels We Have Heard On High.” But if you ask most men what they really want for Christmas they’ll tell you they want a woman who tells you upfront that she’ll screw you all night and that you can leave in the morning with no strings attached.
Mitch Miller And The Gang “Give Peace A Chance” (John Lennon)
Peace on earth and goodwill to men who desperately want to appeal to a hipper, younger audience.
Stars “Fairytale Of New York” (The Pogues)
This is one of those songs that just brims with holiday good cheer. Especially the part where he calls her an old slut and she calls him a cheap lousy faggot.
Billy Idol “Plastic Jesus”
This song really isn’t a cover since only the first verse is the same as the tune sung by Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke. But we are celebrating the birth of the Baby Jesus, so I wanted to include this song about how Jesus protects people when they’re on the road. He’s hollow and you can use him like a flask!