When I was driving home from work the other day there were a bunch of people on a street corner with signs that said Honk If You Love Jesus. I’m not sure exactly what the point was but enough drivers were honking to keep them happy.

I’m a lapsed Catholic so I don’t especially love Jesus the historical/religious figure, but I don’t have anything against him either. But there are a bunch of other Jesuses (Jesii?) that I do love. Here’s a sample.

Billy Idol “Plastic Jesus” (Goldcoast Singers)
A lot of folks know this song from Paul Newman’s performance in Cool Hand Luke. It’s a great song that explores my biggest question about having a plastic Jesus on your dashboard: why is he watching me instead of the road ahead? I also like the fact that you can use him as a flask, although the group on the street corner probably wouldn’t appreciate that.

Eric McFadden “Jesus Is Just Alright” (The Art Reynolds Singers)
Quite a few people think that the Doobie Brothers wrote this song, and most of the covers out there are really covering the Doobies cover. I really like this low-down boogie version. It reminds me a little bit of “Spirit In The Sky.”

This song has always reminded me of the song lyric that “Oklahoma Is Okay.” Not great, not pretty good, just okay. Needless to say, the folks on the corner thought Jesus is more than just alright.

The Jesus & Mary Chain “Reverberation (Doubt)” (Roky Erickson)
This comes from the very wonderful Roky Erickson tribute album Where The Pyramid Meets The Eye. It’s how I was introduced to Mr. Erickson’s music and I’m so very glad I was.

Jesus Jones “Go Buddy Go” (The Stranglers)
I used to live in an apartment with an interesting couple next door. They were huge drunks and they would get hammered and have protracted screaming fights. As if that weren’t bad enough the woman would play “Right Here Right Now” by Jesus Jones on her stereo at wall-shaking volume and shout along tuneslessly. Over and over, for hours on end. I grew to hate that song and I still cringe when I hear it. Fortunately you don’t hear it too often these days.

So that’s why I can’t make myself post a cover of that song. So instead please enjoy Jesus Jones covering the Stranglers. Feel free to crank up the volume and holler along. It’s tradition, after all.

Steven Hexx “Chocolate Jesus” (Tom Waits)
There are so many great covers of this song that I could do a whole post of nothing else. And one day I just might. This is a wonderful arrangement, how could you not love gospel backing vocals and a vibraphone solo?

Mrs. Freak is much more fond of chocolate than I am but I could get behind a Chocolate Jesus as long as he’s solid chocolate. I’m always disappointed when I bite into one of those hollow chocolate Easter bunnies.

You may have missed the news about Chinese scientists manufacturing gelatin by splicing human genes into yeast. As I read the story I couldn’t help but think about Charlton Heston (“Soylent Green is people!”) and Bill Cosby (“There’s always room for Jell-O!”). Which got me thinking about the food we eat and how it’s manufactured. Which got me thinking about the appropriate soundtrack for such a discussion.

George Clinton “The Banana Boat Song” (Harry Belafonte)
George Clinton really brings the funk to the calypso warhorse.

David Lindley & Hani Naser “The Meatman” (Jerry Lee Lewis)
I’ve seen David Lindley play this song live several times. One time he told the story that he was driving cross country with his daughter. They stopped at a truck stop and she found a cassette with this charming song on it and immediately thought her dad would like it.

It’s an amazingly crass and dirty song. The line about still having the feathers in his teeth slays me. I love how Mr. Lindley takes away the Killer’s boogie-woogie and replaces it with something vaguely threatening.

The Bobs “Strawberry Fields Forever” (The Beatles)
Supermarkets have ruined all the tomatoes and they’re well on their way to doing the same thing to the strawberries. I’ve had this conversation more than once with a friend of mine who is a high-ranking produce manager for a major grocery chain. They’ve insisted that farmers grow produce that is large, good-looking, and has a long shelf life. Taste is not a primary consideration or even a secondary one. The tomatoes taste like the strawberries which taste like wallpaper paste.

I’ve tried to fight back by growing my own strawberries but they always get eaten by ants. I’ve moved on to mangoes until they ruin those too.

Sleepy LaBeef “Rollin’ In My Sweet Baby’s Arms” (Buck Owens)
The whole idea behind this cannibal jello is that you get uniform quality and there’s no risk of spreading mad cow disease. The thing is, mad cow disease has become a problem because feed producers have taken to grinding up dead cows so they can be fed to other cows. So beyond the obvious yuck factor, I can foresee big problems if these yeast colonies get contaminated.

Split Lip Rayfield “How Many Biscuits Can You Eat?” (Traditional)
I love my wife and I love my baby, I love my biscuits sopped in gravy. Truer words were never spoken.

Update: I write these posts in advance so I had not actually worked at Pitchfork when I wrote this one. When I got there I discovered that the Pitchfork folks pay the various nonprofits for providing the volunteers. So they’re paying nonprofits for amateur help at the festival (I was working security at the gate the beer vendors used) instead of hiring professionals, which would presumably would cost more money. The arrangement is less sleazy than I thought at first, but they’re still taking advantage of the nonprofits.

…

Last night I worked at the Pitchfork Festival and I’m going back today for free as my reward for volunteering. I have mixed emotions about this. I work as a volunteer at the Old Town School of Folk Music. It’s a good gig, you help people find their seats at concerts and in return you get to see most of the show for free and you get “volunteer points” that you can use for music classes at the school. OTS is a nonprofit organization that’s run by people truly dedicated to preserving the folk music tradition. I feel good about myself for volunteering there.

Pitchfork on the other hand is a for-profit company to the best of my understanding. Their website sells advertising and as far as I can tell they run their festival to make money. They’ve hit on a brilliant scam to get nonprofits to scare up volunteers to work their festival so they don’t have to dip into their profits and hire people.Volunteering for this event makes me feel like I need a shower.

At the same time I’m such a music slut that I jumped at the chance to get in for free. Besides, attending the Pitchfork Festival is the only way to get into Flatstock, which is almost as exciting to me as the music. Although it bothers me that most folks have to pay $45 to get into the festival just to get into Flatstock.

So to help me sort out my conflicted emotions here’s a musical tribute to this year’s Pitchfork Festival.

Sonic Youth “Within You Without You” (Beatles)
Thurston Moore, well known as Sonic Youth’s guitarist, played Friday. This is the perfect Beatles song for Sonic Youth to cover, and they bring their trademark discordant noise to bear on it to great effect.

Neko Case “Wayfaring Stranger” (Johnny Cash)
Neko Case is an incredibly good looking woman. She’s the kind of person who can walk into any room and stop all conversation. Men and women alike can’t take their eyes off her. As far as I’m concerned, as a singer she’s a very good looking woman. Her singing and songwriting do absolutely nothing for me. I realize that I’m in the minority here but her appeal completely eludes me.

That said, I do like this cover that was recorded for a radio show. Mainly because of Jon Rauhouse’s banjo work.

Superchunk “Scary Monsters (And Super Creeps)” (David Bowie)
This song was one of Bowie’s periodic attempts to rawk. The good folks in Superchunk find the potential inside the song and really do rawk out.

TV On The Radio “Heroes” (David Bowie)
I don’t know if they booked the acts at this year’s Pitchfork Festival based on their propensity to cover David Bowie songs or if this is just a coincidence.

Flaming Lips “Smothered In Hugs” (Guided By Voices)
Last year I went to the Pitchfork Festival and saw the Flaming Lips play. So it only seems appropriate that I post their cover of one of this year’s bands.

I was having trouble coming up with a theme this week, so it’s Anything Can Happen Week, sort of like Wednesdays on the old Mickey Mouse Club.

Iron Butterfly “Get Out Of My Life, Woman” (Allen Toussaint)
Yes it’s the “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” guys working their special magic on the New Orleans R&B classic.

Fun Lovin’ Criminals “We Have All The Time In The World” (Louis Armstrong)
I love the way FLC maintains the romance of the original while recasting it as a surf tune.

Northern Kings “Rebel Yell” (Billy Idol)
Billy Idol always had that safe made-for-MTV tough guy image, but this church organ fueled goth version is truly tough.

Elvis Costello “Ring Of Fire” (Johnny Cash)
I don’t know if Elvis recorded this before or after he dumped his wife to run off with Diana Krall, but he certainly seems to be feeling the lyrics.

Ensemble Ambrosius “Sofa” (Frank Zappa)
This is one of my favorite Zappa songs. It’s so warm and sentimental and beautiful. FZ would often use it to close his live shows.

Bob, one of my longest-standing clients, has mysteriously gone missing. I don’t know if he’s having financial problems, marital problems, health problems, or if he’s just having a Long Dark Tea-Time Of The Soul. At any rate it’s quite unlike him to go incommunicado and it concerns me because I like the guy. And because he owes me money.

Jerry Joseph and Wally Ingram “Paper Planes” (M.I.A.)
I’m familiar with drummer extraordinaire Wally Ingram from his acoustic duo tours with David Lindley. I don’t generally take notice of drummers, but this guy is incredible. Joseph and Ingram are also in a band called Stockholm Syndrome that’s going to be on tour in August.

Of course M.I.A. is just a clever stage name for the rapper/provocateur/thin skinned celebrity. But Bob really is missing. I talked to his office manager who told me he hadn’t talked to Bob in a week. I sure hope he’s okay.

Nisse Thorbjørn “Where Did You Sleep Last Night?” (Lead Belly)
This song became arguably the best-known Lead Belly song (at least to early 90s hipsters) when Nirvana did a hair-raising version on the MTV Unplugged show. This version has a bluegrassy feel with the mandolin but it’s still a blues tune. It’s interesting to hear it done as a duet, with the woman claiming that she’s the one who spent the night in the pines shivering and moaning.

I can only assume that Bob slept in his own bed last night but I have no way to know for sure. I do know where he lives since I’ve done work in his home as well at at his place of business, but I’m not inclined to peep in his windows at night to see if he’s there.

Brian Eno and John Cale “You Don’t Miss Your Water” (William Bell)
Eno and Cale put out an album in the mid 80s called Wrong Way Up. It’s wistful and charming and warm, all adjectives rarely applied to Mr. Eno. It’s one of my favorite albums, which more than one person has found surprising. Apparently an expanded version of the album was released somewhere down the line because I just found this song which is not on my CD. It’s a great song in its own right and it’s even more interesting as an example of what happens when Brian Eno plays a Stax soul song.

As the song says, I never realized how much I liked Bob until he wasn’t around.

Missing Persons “Hello, I Love You” (The Doors)
I don’t know how many people remember this video-driven 80s outfit. It consisted of four people who used to play with Frank Zappa, including ex-Zappa drummer Terry Bozzio and his wife Dale. She was best known for wearing way too much makeup and really slutty clothes. I tried to like their stuff because I’m such a huge Zappa fan but I just couldn’t get into it. But there is plenty of weirdo percussion in their music to remind you of who Terry used to work for.

Not only can I not get ahold of Bob but I can’t get ahold of his wife either. Since she’s the one who actually cuts the checks for his business it’s a problem for me to have two missing persons on my hands.

Ted Leo “Since U Been Gone” (Kelly Clarkson)
The Pitchfork favorite reworks the bombastic original as a driving acoustic song.

I’m not happier since Bob has gone. I’m just uneasy.